Surrender Brings Peace - and Joy Follows Peace Like a Lost Puppy

     Opinionated, stubborn, and outspoken. These are the three words that I have most often heard to describe my character, sometimes in a good way - sometimes not. Being from Mississippi, I can see very clearly where this strong suite came from. Everyone in the South follows the same three lines, and most of them can be traced right into my family. (Honestly, I think one of my uncles must have been the inventor of the phrase "You're Wrong".)  Be that as it may, you have to learn sometime that your characteristic habits don't mean squat to God.
     For the past three years I have been on the move. At any given time before a school break, or the summer, if you were to call me - I would be packing my bags. Off to somewhere far away and new, with a passel of students around me who were following God with their lives and time. New people to meet, and the Gospel to present. Go. Go. Go...so what do I do when God tells me to stay?
     Fight it, of course.
     For three months I went through the same argument with God, and for three months God said the same thing: Stay. All of my opinionated, stubborn, outspoken self came out to fight the call to stay...I was going to go, that was that. It was what I knew. He must be crazy! (Which certainly wasn't the case, and it was me who had lost her senses for thinking that He didn't know what He was about!).
     It didn't take long, though, before I started to wear down. So few things were actually going for me, I didn't have any utsvah left to pack a punch. I knew God was going to win in the end any way, that I was just fighting an impossible current. So many tears spilled into the night I finally let it go, you would think my were trying to one-up Hoover Dam with a missing wall! But I knew that since God was keeping me in the states, He would bring me to ministry here. Even if it was just going to be the ministry of my own heart.
     In those tears, I opened my Bible to Psalms. Just like in a book, a verse came leaping off of the page at me.

     {Psalm 37: 4} "Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

     "Okay God," I whispered. "It is yours. I'm done...gosh. You know I want to go...but I want what You have more than that." And with that I fell asleep.
     Not that I slept a whole heck of a lot, my alarm went off six hours later. 5:30am, and off to school. But I think that this was the best morning of the school year. Not a thought of the previous night was passing through my head, I was at peace with it and needed no more discussion on it. Reliant K was playing through my earphones, and I was wide awake (odd for a school day). 
     The sun was just coming up as we exited the highway and headed toward the school building. Bright, clear, blue skies with a few pink clouds: beautiful. And then...black. I couldn't see anything. Time, I am sure, went by in less than two seconds; to me it seemed like two decades. Then, right on top of the darkness, was one word - white, bold, and (haha!) in Times New Roman font:
     PANAMA.
     And just like that, it was the beautiful 6 o'clock, October morning I had left just a few moments before. Only two words came out "Okay God.", but those two words were definitely accompanied with a smile!
     The power of surrender amazes me even now, four months later, when I think of it. I fought, and fought - and fought - but when I finally let go, I had unimaginable peace. As though every stress that had troubled me for the three months of fighting was suddenly gone. It didn't even bother to cross my mind. I was completely accepting of God's plan and no longer doubted that He knew what He was going to do. And when I finally agreed to step forward in His plan, He was able to show me the next step...the one I couldn't see while I had my back turned to Him.
     It is the same peace he wants for everyone, and the same joy. All we have to do is delight ourselves in Him...peace will follow with surrender, and joy always follows peace.

I Am So Eager...Right?

     We moved. From Tulsa, Oklahoma -my home of ten years- to Overland Park, Kansas. 243miles away from everything I knew as a child, 4 and 1/2 hours apart from every familiar face. Every stage of shock you can imagine, I have gone through. The most detrimental however, was the stage where I pulled into myself. I stopped reaching out. I no longer cared. (May the Reader be advised that this is a terrible mistake, and though it is very appealing, making a bubble-space has a high price as you will see in the following text.)
     My key problem? At first I thought it to be culture shock. Coming from the Bible Belt of the universe, a church on every corner, and a tent revival every Saturday, to a crumbling school in the middle of Shack Town. Whereas I had only heard a handful of cuss words growing up, foul language is the norm here. Teen parenthood? Yeah, the guy sitting a few seats away is the father of two kids- he is seventeen. So maybe culture shock has a little bit to do with it. But I know the real reason I stopped reaching out.
     Selfishness.
     Straight-up, it is the biggest struggle I have. And while it was easy to suppress when surrounded by mostly good things, the phrase "the darkness around draws out the darkness within" comes to mind. And I had given up the fight, lost the motivation to stop it. I could no longer see that any one here really needed my Savior, it wasn't like they wanted him anyway. So I simply stopped...no longer concerned myself with the preaching of the Gospel. And the worst part is this: I was in full knowledge of what I was doing the whole time.
     So when I was hit on the head with a spiritual 2x4 this morning, I wasn't at all surprised.
     Pastor Joe had us all open our Bibles to Romans 1, and together we read verses 14-17.

"I am obligated both to the Greeks and non-Greeks, both to the wise and the foolish. That is why I am so eager to preach the gospel also to you who are at Rome. I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from the first to the last, just as it is written: "The righteous shall live by faith." "

     Paul was obligated, to anyone and everyone. Paul was eager, to share the gospel with all categories. Not only was Paul this way, but so was Christ...and isn't it Christ that I claim to imitate? It is. And the first step is overcoming that selfishness, and that arrogance.
     It does not matter what a person's culture is, it does not matter how lonely I feel, it does not matter the obstacles I placed in between me and the people I spend each day with...what matters is that I give it to GOD, start over, and preach His Word.
     Monday, that is tomorrow. It will be a new week, fresh start. My obligations are not to this world, my hope is in higher places...my heart is in His will, so it is time I let go of my own. I encourage who ever might be reading this to do the same thing, take the Romans challenge. Be eager.
     Sharing the gospel is one thing, and it will bless many people. But it is when we find an eagerness to share the gospel that we are blessed in return.